Come on now, don’t act like you don’t know what ‘Dad weed’ is.
The first Father’s Day with legal California cannabis is upon us, and while that means all manner of wonderful gift ideas for the modern man of the house, it also means Dad weed isn’t getting the respect it deserves.
Not that Dad cares. Whatever they come up with next, Dad’s crumbly flower and crooked doobies aren’t going anywhere.
Your whizbang vaporizer thingy? When the battery runs out, Dad will spin up yet another joint that’s shaped like a Cheeto, and you will be grateful for it.
Because Dad weed gets you high.
Always has, always will. That’s its job.
Dad weed is inexpensive “flower,” though he doesn’t call it that.
Dad weed is preferably rolled, but can be packed in a pinch. Those are the options.
Dad weed can be indica, sativa, hybrid, or all of the above for all he cares.
Dad weed was probably grown out in the elements, because it definitely looks like it’s been sleeping outside.
Dad weed makes Steely Dan somehow sound better, and new music sound even more like an ensemble of car alarms.
Dad weed makes your eyes red, your mouth dry, and your hippocampus light up like your house during the holidays. (Even Dad gets carried away sometimes).
Dad weed has terpenes and CBD. When you talk to Dad about them, he goes into a reverie. Not because he’s listening and learning. He’s thinking about something else. Probably something to do with. Home Depot.
But Dad weed doesn’t come in janky baggies anymore. It’s tested for pesticides and other contaminants. It comes in lovely glass jars or pouches. A friendly Eaze driver brings it to wherever he is. Dad still can’t believe this is real life.
Oh, and lest we forget: Dad weed makes Dad’s jokes funnier. So he says.
What Dad weed is not.
Dad weed does not “connect to Bluetooth,” come in a stylish pack of five, or get labeled with words like “Felicity,” “Animate” or “Rekindle.” Dad knows darn well what weed is for. And your indoor-grown, 30% THC miracle marijuana is cool with Dad–just don’t expect him to talk or hang out after that session. He’ll be out in the garage for the evening, probably rolling another Cheeto to take the edge off.
Edibles could technically be Dad weed, were it not for that time he chowed down half of your aunt Pamela’s banana bread without knowing what he was in for. Dad doesn’t talk about that day. Neither does Pamela.
And make no mistake, Dad weed is never pretty. His flower isn’t exactly the stuff of the High Times Twitter feed; his joints are loose, lumpy, misshapen. But oh man, they burn. And he doesn’t use a crutch–why are you putting cardboard into perfectly good rolling paper?
“Crutches are for bad skiers.”
Did we mention that Dad weed makes Dad jokes funnier?
Speaking of, Dad thinks it’s hysterical that you’re giving him “flowers” for Father’s Day.
This riff will go on all day, possibly all weekend.
Oh, and one more thing …
Dad will totally make fun of your vaporizer.
But will he turn it down?
Come on, you know Dad better than that.